The Blame Game
by dudidudidam
Summary: And you think, if only I was never born...


**Title:** The Blame Game  
**Fandom:** Vampire Knight  
**Characters:** Ichiru, Zero, Shizuka  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warning:** References up to chapter 40 of the manga.  
**Disclaimer:** not mine, and no profit is made.**  
****AN:** I'm writing this in the assumption that the twins are twelve-year-old when Shizuka happened to them, sixteen when the series begin in ch.1, and seventeen when Rido happened.  
**Summary:** And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

.

.

.

_Self-pity doesn't become you,_ She says.

_What,_ you say, _because it suits you oh so much better?_

She smiles.

There's nothing you want more than to drive a stake through her heart and bleed her dry. Let her feel the pain. Hear her scream. See her struggle for the life she claims she no longer wants but never lets go.

You think of the sword she's given you, safely tucked in its sheath by your waist. You think about using it.

And hesitate.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

There's a woman sitting on a cherry-blossom tree branch in an alley near your house. She looks so unearthly, so…_ inhumanly_ beautiful, with her hooded, shining eyes and her long, luminous hair. The light-colored kimono she's wearing lends her a soft appearance; fragile, even. Like a piece of particularly delicate china – so expensive and breakable. Something you can admire, but cannot touch.

She's just so perfect in her beauty it feels like a privilege to be able to look at her; to be _allowed_ to look at her.

And then she smiles.

You feel your world come crumbling down to the ground.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

Your hands are freezing from the cold, and you know your body is shivering visibly, but you barely feel it. Because Toga Yagari, your Master – no, Zero's Master – is standing before you, a looming presence over your small frame.

"Please," you say, voice shaking, just barely audible. You're looking at him in the eye, now, even though all your senses are screaming at you to run away, to at least lower your head.

He's watching you, an indescribable look in his eyes, and you're looking at each other for what seems like forever to you before he turns his head away and says, "Go home, kid."

Your heart sinks, a heavy feeling on the pit of your stomach, and you feel like you might cry, even if you won't. "Please," you try again, voice growing fainter, hoping he will change his mind, or at least considering changing it, even when you know better – he never changes his mind. Never.

"Kid, you don't know what you're asking." He doesn't look at you when he says it, and you can't see his expression well because he is facing away from you, but you know you're not imagining it when you see his eyes look troubled for a split second.

"But I do," And you _do_ know, if only _too_ well. "I do know what I'm asking, and that's why I'm asking _you." Because you will understand _goes unsaid, but it's there, at the brief silence at the end of your sentence, at the way your brows furrow just a little more slightly in despair, at the way the corner of your mouth quivers slightly.

He doesn't say anything, and the growing silence only serves to make you feel more determined. At least… at least this silence means he's thinking about it, right? It means you still got a chance, right? _Right? _

It is a windy, cold, cold night in autumn, and you know if you're out here any longer instead of being inside your safe, warm home, you're going to get sick—again.

Then he rakes a hand against his hair and sighs heavily. "Go home, kid."

The corners of your mouth turn up just slightly, forming a small smile that isn't reflected in your eyes. Of course he will refuse you. He will understand, but because he can understand, he will never do it. But still you try anyway.

"Please. I only ask you to report to them that they also can't use Zero. Just say that Zero's body is also too weak, just like mine! I'm sure it would be okay; after all, living twins of a hunter family has never been heard before, right?"

You know you've stepped out of line when he turns his head with a snap to face you. He's looking at you now, with hard and unforgiving eyes that feel like they are piercing your very soul, like they are looking at the deepest of your heart, like they are reading the darkest of your thoughts, like they are –

Then you suddenly realize how freezing it is out here, and you long to wrap your arms around yourself, but that would mean showing him a weakness, and you can't allow that. So you just fist your knuckles and clench your teeth together instead, and stare at him defiantly. And so once again, both of you engaged in a staring contest, although it feels much like a battle of will for you, with the one who looks away first being the loser.

And you can't look away, you remind yourself. This is for Zero's sake. This is for your own sake. This is for both of you. Therefore, you can't afford to lose.

But then his look changes into something akin to pity, and you lower your head without even meaning to; if there's something you can't stand, even young as you are, it is pity. Every time you realize that someone looks at you with pity, you always turn your head and act as if you know nothing of it, even though it's eating you from the inside. You're just too used of it that it finally becomes a habit, something that you do automatically without even thinking about it.

And now you lost.

"Please…" you ask him again, even though you know it is now in vain. You can feel tears well up behind your eyes, threatening to fall any second, but you *will* them not to fall.

He only sighs tiredly, and his voice doesn't reveal anything when he says, "Just go home, kid."

But again, you're only a boy of ten, and you really can't do anything other than begging.

How _shameful._

But this is what you've always expected from the start, isn't it? You know you're going to fail, but still you try and do it anyway.

And now you know what failure tastes like.

"I just –"

"Ichiru?"

Your eyes widen upon hearing that voice.

_Zero._

You glance over your shoulder, and you see him walking towards you, a concerned look on his face. Then you look at Master Yagari, begging him silently to not tell Zero what has just taken place. But of course you have nothing to worry; Toga Yagari is not one to tell away, after all.

"Ichiru? What's wrong? What are you doing here?" Zero asks you, still in that worried tone, as he looks warily toward your Master and gives him a nod in acknowledgment. Then he takes a stop in front of you, extending a hand to feel your forehead in the process.

But you beat him to it as you fling yourself towards him, as you throw your arms around his neck.

"Nothing." You say as casually as you can, voice laced with cheerfulness that you do not feel. "I was only taking a walk around when I met Master." You tighten your hold around your brother, just to make sure he's really there, as well as to try stilling your slightly trembling hands before Zero notices it.

But of course Zero already notices it. He pulls away slightly from your embrace, just enough to press his forehead against yours, that concerned look still stays stubbornly in his eyes. "Ichiru, you're shaking. Are you catching cold again?"

You aren't really catching cold, but you aren't about to let go of an escape that has been provided by Zero himself that easily. You can't let him know the real cause for your trembling hands, after all. So you turn away from him and stuff your hands into your jacket's pockets.

"But I'm always catching cold no matter what… so what's the different?" You mutter uncaringly, realizing only too late of what it is that you're saying when Zero doesn't respond.

"Zero, I…" You quickly turn back towards him, an apology ready at the tip of your tongue. But the words stick on your throat upon seeing Zero's face, at the slight hurt that's quickly replaced by overwhelming concerns for _you_, and you _can't_ speak. You clench your hands again.

"Ichi – "

You're not sure if it's intentional or not, the way you just shy away – almost flinch, even – from his touch; but you're sure you don't mean to be the cause of the shock and the confusion you see in his eyes a moment later. Nor do you intend to be the cause of the guilt that starts to replace the light in his eyes.

_Don't,_ you want to say, but dare not to. _Look at me like that. It's not – you. Not – your fault._

He tries to touch you again, a slight hesitation in the careful way he reaches out to you, and this time you know you mean it when you take a step back before he could even touch the fabric of your jacket. You do not look at him – you know better than to do so – and tries your best to ignore the swelling of _something_ that you refuse to identify in your chest, _something_ that screams at you and tries to get you close the distance, so you can erase that look from his face, so you can assure him – and yourself – that you're okay, that everything is gonna be fine in a second.

But you're not – you're _not_ okay, and nothing – _nothing_ – is gonna be fine or the same again; not ever since Zero received that formal letter from the Hunter Association.

They are going to take him away from you, and you're not allowed to do anything about it.

"Do not –" you swallow a big lump in your throat, forcing the words out through your ragged breathing and nearly bite your bottom lip in the process. "– follow me."

Then you turn and run – away, away from here, from _him_ – and do your best not to look back and ignore his shouting your name

All the time, you're only too aware that Yagari has watched the entire thing. You're not surprised to find that you do not care – not anymore.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

"Zero also has a future in exterminating vampires… but can it be done? They say that if it's Zero, it will be easy…" there's a touch of wonder in your voice, in the off-handed way you say it.

"Ichiru… you don't need to worry… that's why Master is here to teach us." His tone is sure and confident, but you notice there's a touch of hopefulness there, and you can't help feeling like he's actually trying to reassure himself as much as you with that statement.

For a moment, you only look at the face so identical to yours silently, hoping it is really the truth, even though you know better. "You talk as if it's an obligation, Zero… aren't you overloading yourself to cover for me?"

Zero's eyes widen.

Sometimes you hate being right.

"That's not true… Ichiru." Zero says, ever so softly that it is more of a whisper than anything, pressing his forehead against yours, his hand on the back of your head, fingers twining tightly on your hair.

You close your eyes; you want to believe his words, to believe in him, and it's a lot easier to believe his words when you can't see his expression. You also do your best to ignore the way his hands in your hair tremble just slightly when he shifts closer to you, closer still, until there's no more space between your bodies.

If you didn't know better, you'd have thought that the way he does it, it's almost like he thinks if he's close enough to you, he might be able to take away your illness, or at least share it with you so you won't have to suffer alone.

Of course he would blame himself for your illness, thinking it's really his fault that you were born with a weaker body than his.

_The cursed twins of hunters…_

You shut your eyes tighter. You try to stop thinking, try to block your mind from going down that path again, but you can't.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

The very first time the both of you see the beautiful, beautiful woman, Zero's grip on your wrist as he drags you away is so bruising you swear you could feel it in your bones. It's painful enough to make you forget the woman and focus on your brother instead, on the slight tremble running through his skin.

"Zero…?"

"She's a vampire." Zero says, voice hard.

Oh.

Of course she is. No one could look _that_ beautiful except a vampire, you think bitterly.

But that doesn't explain the way your brother keeps shivering even when you both are safely inside your home. That doesn't explain the way your brother holds you tighter than usual when you sleep, making it nearly hard for you to breathe. That doesn't explain the way your brother slips an extra (Hunters' specialized) knife into his clothing every time you both go outside.

That doesn't explain the way your brother nearly bites his own tongue in an effort to keep himself from reporting the (vampire) woman to your parents – when he always, always reports in every time any of you encounters a vampire.

* * *

"What makes you so special?" you ask her.

Your brother is terrified of her, and you need to know_ why_. So you sneak off the first chance you get – when your parents are out and Zero's off with Master Yagari and none's around to watch you.

"I'm a pureblood." She tells you with her ever-present little smile.

"Oh." You say, for lack of better thing to say. No wonder Zero doesn't want your parents to meet her.

"You're not afraid of me, boy?" she asks.

You feel a frown forming on your forehead. "I know I should, but. Right now? I'm still processing it, I think."

"Fair enough."

There's something different in her eyes now, like. Amusement? Curiosity?

"What are you doing here, then?" you ask, because you honestly want to know.

A few moments pass. She's silent, silent, silent. But her eyes are on you – not _boring_ onto you so much as caressing you, assessing you,_ judging_ you.

She's silent for so long you think she's not gonna answer. Then you cast your eyes to the sky, noting the position of the sun, and sigh. You've been out long enough, and Zero's gonna be home any time now. He never likes it when you're sick and he's not around, like he's afraid you're gonna drop dead without him knowing.

It's seriously annoying, and you're so gonna chew him out for being a worrywart once he shows up, except.

Well, except. Since you're kind of the same—if not worse—when it's _Zero_ who gets sick, you really have no room to talk.

You rise to your feet, and start to head for your home, but her voice stops you.

"I'm waiting." She says. "For the right time."

You're staring at her, like she might speak more if you do it hard enough. But she doesn't. She only smiles her beautiful little smile, letting the wind ruffle her silky hair, and does nothing else.

So you turn around and leave, and try not to be bothered by the way her eyes track your movements.

* * *

Unexpectedly, you manage to forget all about her.

Then one night you come down to the kitchen for a glass of water, only to find your parents discussing the chance Zero and you have in becoming vampire hunters, and you. And you can't help listening to them, even when you know you really shouldn't, because it's a whole new level of masochism to want to hear your own parents dissing you behind your back for every little thing you did and didn't do.

Then you hear the word _Zero_ and _Hunters' city_ and _leave_ and you just. You can't—

Before you even realize it, you're standing in front of the cherry-blossom tree, pressing your hands to your chest in an attempt to regain your breathing after you (apparently) run here.

She's still here, the vampire woman, and she's looking at you with her sad eyes and her usual little smile and you—

And you.

"I," you try to speak, but tears are running down your cheeks and it feels like your lungs are trying to choke you from the inside and you're sure you still have a fever because your skin feels all cold and prickly and all you want right now is to curl up beside Zero and hold him tight and never let go.

But. But-

"I," you try again.

She's looking at you, the vampire, just looking, like she has all the time in the world and fully intends to make every second count. But she's looking at you, _paying attention_ to you, and that's all you need right now.

"I have a proposal for you." You tell her, feeling like the words are torn out of your throat, leaving their marks and their bloody footprints all over your insides.

You're not thinking straight; you _know_ you're not thinking straight, but all you could think about right now are how Zero's going to leave you and how your parents would make him leave you and how Master Yagari rejected you and just how fucking unfair everything is. You're hurt and angry and furious and confused but mostly hurt, and you just want everybody else to feel it, and you don't care about anything else.

She's smiling, smiling, smiling, and her eyes are shining again. "I'm listening."

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

"This is your payment." She's gripping your face hard on her hands, her eyes right onto yours, her face so close to yours your noses nearly touch. Her voice is low and menacing, and you finally see how terrifying she is despite her beauty and her deceptive fragility. "This is your payment, and you better remember it; your family's deaths, your brother's descent into Level D, it's all on you."

"I never—I never asked you to turn my brother—"

"And that's why I said _this is your payment._" She tells you, still in that terrifying voice. "If I – _if_ I ever found you even *think* of trying to kill yourself again, I'll make your brother suffer so much that falling into Level E and being killed by the Hunters' Association would be the least of his worries."

Your eyes widen; the words are already in the back of your throat, trying to make its way to your lips, but you feel yourself frozen in shock.

"And you know I'm perfectly capable of doing it." Her mouth is right on your ear, her breath teasing your earlobe.

Then she lets go of you, and you promptly falls to the ground. She stands tall and proud and graceful, not so much from the way she holds herself as the way she seems to affect the air around her and command the respects from her surroundings, while at the same time also sucking the remaining life from everything around her.

It makes you wonder if all of the purebloods are like her, so beautiful and enchantingly terrifying, or if this is just her special brand of madness.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

"It wasn't a coincidence." She whispers.

And it _is_ a whisper, because her voice is lower than her usual low voice, even if she's still speaking in her usual disinterested tone.

You look at her. "What?"

"It wasn't a coincidence." She repeats herself. There's a small smile on one corner of her mouth; and her eyes are looking out the window, seeing nothing and everything. "My imprisonment. Kuran Kaname's reappearance. The Vampire Council's sudden unity. The Hunter's Association's increase in activity. And—" she looks right at you, "—your parents' deaths."

There's sand in your throat. A feeling of dread on your gut. But all you say is, "what—are you talking about?"

"The cursed twins of hunters…" her tone is wistful; wondering. Like a child hoping to touch the sky. Something impossible; _knowing_ it _is_ impossible, and yet still they hope anyway. "It's true, you know. The story about twins who try to 'eat' each other ever since they're still in their mother's womb." Her eyes are _gentle_. "None ever survived that ordeal. Not any of the twins, and certainly not the mother. And yet here you are; twins of vampire hunters bloodline. Very much alive and breathing."

"Is there any point to this?" you cut her.

Her eyes gleam enchantingly.

Suddenly you don't think you want her to continue.

"Do you know how many years—centuries—we've been waiting?" she asks, tilting her head to the side. "But none ever made it out of the second trimester." She smiles. "Well, until your mother, of course."

You try to look away, to block your ears, but you're frozen to the floor, your fingers flexing uselessly by your sides. You don't know what kind of face you're making right now, but it must be a horrified one, because she's looking decidedly more serene the longer she looks your way.

"It was," she says slowly, "your birth which set everything in motion."

_Breathe,_ you tell yourself. _Breathe._

"You twins really shouldn't have made it out alive at all."

There's a smile in her face. A rare fond look in her eyes. It's genuine, you think, if only because the truth? Always hurts more. There's nothing more she wants more than the destruction of the world around her. There's nothing she wants more than to bring other people to their knees; make them feel sorry for their miserable existences—just like she does her own.

Make the world a bleak place. Make them all suffer.

You try desperately to convince yourself she lies. She has to be lying, because there's no way you—and Zero—play such an important role n the vampire history. But-

But.

She never lies. Not to you, not to anyone. After all, why bother lying, when the truth can kill?

And right now?

You really wish she had gone with her initial plan and killed you all—if only so that you could be spared from hearing this all.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

"I'm in love." She says. "_I'm in love._"

She would say it over and over and over again, until it feels like those three words are the only words she knows.

There're times when you're tempted to correct her, to tell her _You mean you *were* in love, right, since your lover *died* and turned to dust before being swept off by the wind?_

But you never do. You never tell her *that*, because at such times, she always looks her most peaceful, and you think if anyone deserved to be peaceful in their madness, then it'd be her.

But you never let yourself dwell on that, because, really, what kind of person *deserves* to be mad? And more importantly, what kind of person *thinks* anyone at all deserves to be mad?

_Don't go there. That way lies madness._

Except. Well. Sometimes it feels like you've crossed that bridge and settled on the other side without even realizing it.

"I'm in love." She repeats herself, doing a stellar job of impersonating a broken record. Sometimes you wonder what it feels like to believe in something so much you lose yourself over it, like nothing else matters, and never would. Sometimes you wonder what it feels like to _consciously_ surrender yourself to madness, believing it's the only way you could ever be with your loved one.

You envy her, you think.

* * *

"We're different, you and I." She says.

"Hm?"

You're busy cleaning up a particularly nasty wound on your side, just above your hipbone, while also gritting your teeth hard to prevent yourself from letting out a gasp of pain. Sometimes you wonder how those Level E's she got you for *training* always seem stronger and stronger every time you kill one of them. What, does the strength one loses after being killed immediately transfer to another?

"You're not a lover." She says. "You never were, never are, and never would be."

You frown at her, because, really, what the hell? "And you come to such conclusion how…?"

She smiles. Wider than her usual little smiles, enough that you pause in your quest to bandage your wound and give her your full attention.

"You love him too much, that's why." She says, voice light, still smiling. "You love him too much to ever let anybody get near and distract you from him."

"He's my brother." You tell her. There's a painful pang in your chest, one that has nothing to do with her and everything with Zero. "Of course I love him."

"I'm in love." She says, voice so melodic she may as well have been singing. "I'm in love because I _choose_ to be. I'm in love because I _want_ to be. I'm in love, because once you're in love, you wouldn't want to be out of it."

She's saying she remembers what it's like before she was in love. She's saying she has control over everything, the whole time. She's saying it's a privilege – one that you don't seem to have.

You feel your throat tightens. "You have no idea—"

"No, *you* don't." Then her eyes soften, her smile widens, and for some reason it feels like she's pitying you. "All your life, you've been defining yourself by him; you never knows what it's like to be without him. You wouldn't know how *not* to love him."

She's saying you have no choice in the matter.

She's saying Zero would move on without you, even when it's unimaginable for _you_ to move on without him.

You swallow a sudden lump in your throat, and look down, returning your attention back to the wound on your side, which is only half-covered in bandage. Taking a new roll of bandage, you try to continue dressing the wound. You've never felt more grateful to Level E you killed earlier for wounding you, since it provides a much-needed distraction.

Your eyes sting; you convince yourself it's from the pain of the still bleeding wound, but you've always been too grounded in reality to ever believe such a lie – especially when it comes from your own mind.

You hear her laugh then, soft and restrained, like an educated high-class girl she must have been once.

"I pity you," she says, softly, _sincerely_, which makes it even more awful than if she has said it in malice.

You don't think you've ever hated her more.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

Once, you run away from Shizuka-sama, desperate to see your brother by you own eyes.

By the time you get to the Cross Academy, you're covered in dirt and sweat and so beyond tired you could drop where you are and sleep for _weeks_. As desperate as you are for a rest, you're still more desperate to see your brother, so you immediately search for the Headmaster office, but. Well. The school is so huge and the buildings have so similar architecture it's hard to tell them apart, and you're really only a little kid just shy of fourteen, so it's really no surprise you feel a little bit overwhelmed.

"Excuse me, could you point me to the Headmaster?" you ask the first person you encounter, a funny-looking kid with a spectacle, a smile firmly on your lips.

The kid takes a double-take. Then blinks. And then takes off his glasses, wipes the lenses methodically with a frilly-looking handkerchief, and puts it back on. And then he blinks some more. "Kiryuu-kun, did you just _smile_?"

_Twins,_ You remind yourself. _Twins._ So of course the kid would recognize your face, if Zero was really here.

"Yes?" you try to look as gullible as possible.

Instead of relaxing, the kid takes a triple take and looks deeply unsettled. "Oh my god Kiryuu-kun you really _are_ smiling! Are you feeling okay? Have you hit your head? Are you sick? Is that why you're not in uniform?" and he actually look pretty _concerned_.

What the hell.

You're really, really not in the mood for inane chatter, and you're also pretty tired, so you really can't be blamed for snapping at the kid, "Look, all I want is the location of the Headmaster's office. Either you know, or you don't. _Which is it?_"

The kid looks annoyingly relieved at the sight of your _scowl_ that you start wondering if the world went crazy in the few years you've been shut in together with Shizuka-sama. But the kid does point you to a direction,where you see a decent-sized two-stories building (house) that looks rather different to the general architecture of the campus that you wonder how you could miss it the first time.

"Kiryuu-kun, you must have hit your head pretty bad, eh? For you to forget the way to your own home?" the tone is (genuinely) sympathetic, but the timing really sucks, so you send him a glare.

He scurries off somewhere unknown pretty quickly, but you don't miss the lack of heat in the way the bespectacled kid runs off while also muttering curses at you from a distance. Like, like this is—

_Zero._ Right. Zero first, thinking later.

As you get near the house, you could hear voices. _Excited_ voices. The high tone of a girl, and a deep timbre of a man.

And then a third voice, sounding heavy and high at the same time, like it couldn't decide what it wants to be heard as. Your own voice hasn't stopped its transition, so you really shouldn't be surprised that Zero's is also changing.

You stop on your spot. Hesitate. Suddenly you're not sure you want to see what you're gonna see in a second.

But. You came all this way—

Fisting your knuckles tight, you take a step forward. And promptly stop breathing.

It's—it's Zero, yes, silver hair, grey-violet eyes, too pale skin. Then a girl, with shoulder-length dark-brown hair. And the man—you remember him, even if you don't remember his name. Master Yagari brought him to meet you both, once.

They're—they're. Smiling. Laughing. _Happy._ Like nothing could touch them. Like nothing had ever touched them. Zero's scowling, but you've known him too well to not recognize the scowl for what it isn't.

They look like—

And you—and you have no-

Turn away, away, _away._ Away from here. Run, like it's the last thing you can do—and maybe it is. Run, run, run like nothing else matters.

_They look like a family._

Something—something is blurring your sight. You brush it away with your hand. It comes away wet.

You really, really couldn't care less.

And then you stop.

Something (someone) is forcing you to stop. You're too tired and worn out to keep your guard up, and in your vulnerable state, mentally and physically both, it would be impossible to dismiss such commanding aura.

There, standing in your pathway, is a _boy._ Dark wavy hair. Lean figure. A bit taller than you. Dead, expressionless eyes that manage to convey nothing and everything at once—much like Shizuka-sama's, you suddenly realize. White jacket uniform. And this oppressive aura… a pureblood, then. One that hasn't come to his full power yet.

_Kaname Kuran._

"Kiryuu-kun?"

You barely manage to stop yourself from turning around and checking if Zero's behind you, that maybe he's noticed your presence after all, that he's coming for you, that it's really Zero Kaname is addressing, and not you.

It's really pathetic to realize just how much hope you still have, even after—

_Don't go there._

But of course that split second of confusion is noticed by Kaname.

"What happened?" Kaname says. "You look…spooked."

You really don't want to deal with him. If anyone would be able to tell you apart from your brother, it would be _him_.

So you glare at him, willing him to just go away, while at the same time also try to step past him.

Faster than you could see, his hand locks around your wrist; one tug, and he's yanking you to him. Not quite touching anywhere else other than your wrist, no, but he's leaning close, his face by your neck.

_He's sniffing you._

You push him away.

"What are you—"

"You smell different." Kaname says. "Why is that?"

He still thinks you're Zero. Who is back there, with a girl and a man and—pretending to be a _family._

You really, really don't want to deal with him.

"_Back off._" You spat out, all your desperation and frustration and anger and confusion spilling out.

Something close to surprise crosses his face, and he releases your wrist. He says something else, but you don't bother stopping this time; all your instincts and remaining energy are geared to escape, to go away, away from here. Somewhere—someplace that won't remind you of the fact t that your brother has forgotten you; that he has replaced you with a _sister_.

Just beyond the gate of the school, Shizuka-sama is smiling at you.

"Take me away." You're gripping the fabrics of her kimono tight, pressing your face onto the fold, desperate to escape the rest of the world. "Take me away from here. Please."

"Silly child." She says, fond. And then does as you asked.

* * *

"What a silly, silly child." She says.

Shizuka-sama lets you rest your head on her lap, for days afterward. As you try to hide from the world. As your body shuts itself down from exhaustion. As the full reality of it all finally sinks in.

You thought you've exhausted your tears that night, when Shizuka-sama dragged you away from Zero's bloodied figure that first time.

But you were wrong. Because right not? It 's like the tears _won't stop_.

"I really hate you." You tell her in between your silent sobs. "I really, really hate you."

"As you should be." She says. She's humming to herself, her hand gentle on your head, stroking your hair. She's looking the happiest you've ever seen her, and you know it can't b a good thing, but. But you really, really don't care anymore.

"I really, really hate you."

But all you can see is Zero's face, and all the ways he never quite manages to hide his feelings, and how you hate him for that little flaw more than anything, because. Because now you can't even pretend that he wants you back, that he still remembers you, that he needs you as you need him.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

Maria is a bright, energetic and cheerful girl, which is really unfortunate for her weak body. Once she gets even slightly better, she would spend her day outside, running around under the cloud, laughing and playing with her maids and pets, only to spend weeks afterward unable to go out of bed after pushing her body to its limit.

"It's worth it." She once tells you, smiling a smile that looks too spontaneous to be a fake.

"I find it quite hard to believe." You tell her instead, because it's the truth.

She pouts. "That's because Ichiru has so little faith as it is." She's reaching for your hand, tracing the lines of your palms with a finger. "Even Shizuka-sama says so."

For a while, you watch her as she signs a letter after a letter on your palm, her finger soft and yielding on your calloused hand.

_She has a crush on you,_ Shizuka-sama told you, looking just a little bit amused. _Should I be jealous?_

You give yourself internal headshake. "You can still back down, now." You tell her quietly. "Shizuka-sama won't do anything even if you refuse to comply to her little _whim_."

She lets out a small smile. "You don't understand. Shizuka-sama may be a pureblood. She may also be mad, but. But she's still family, and family always comes first, right?" she looks up, staring right into your eyes. "So she wants me to be her vessel; it's an honor I can't bear to refuse, since I've idolized her for more than fifty years, now."

…you really should never forget that those born with vampire blood in their veins? Age very, very slowly.

"Just wanted to make sure, mind you." You give her a smile in return, but from her expression, it's clear she sees the smile for what it is: a deflection.

"Silly Ichiru!" she giggles, throwing her arms around your neck. But at least her smile is genuine, and it stands in contrast to your pathetic attempt at a smile earlier.

_family always comes first,_ she has said.

You remember your brother, and wind your arms around her. _Family._ It's, you think, really a sentiment you understand only too well.

When she presses her lips to yours a minute later, you find yourself kissing her back.

It's only much, much later you remember the letters she has been signed onto the palm of your hand. There's no trace of it now, when you look at your palm. But you have always had a nearly perfect recalls, honed even further by Shizuka's training, and you have no difficulty in recalling the way she has shaped the letters onto your palm.

When you realize what it was she has written, you grit your teeth, trying your best to fight down the warmth trying to make its way to your cheeks. It's one thing to hear Shizuka-sama saying it in mocking tone; it's quite another to see it for yourself from the person responsible.

In your palm, Maria has written, a letter after a letter:

I-L-I-K-E-Y-O-U.

It's rather surprising, to find that despite your apparent cynicism to everything, your reaction to a confession from a girl nearly four times your age is, could be best described as…immature.

Right.

You could already imagine the laugh that would shine in Shizuka-sama's eyes once she finds out about this.

You really hate it when she's right.

* * *

When Shizuka-sama finally gets herself killed that night, all you can think about is _Thank god for small mercy._ Because it _is_ a mercy.

She's been rotting away, ever since her lover died. You don't know what makes her cling to the life she no longer desires, and you're really not interested in finding out.

(_"All you; all for you. Misery, after all, loves company."_)

Before you leave the academy, you spare a few precious minutes waiting, just waiting, _needing_ to see your brother one last time because you really don't think you'd be back.

You realize you've been watching for too long when in between his shock at the bloodied scene before him, Zero spares a confused look outside the window, _right where you're hidden._

You feel your heart hammering inside your chest.

No, there's no recognition in Zero's eyes. He doesn't see you; he _feels_ you, and it seems like your heart has jumped to your throat.

The moment Zero's eyes go back to what remains of Shizuka-sama on the floor, you drop yourself from your hiding place and run. Away from this place. Away from Zero, who is—who is.

You stop thinking.

Even from a distance, Zero's eyes glow _red_.

You grit your teeth. There's not much time left.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

"Come with me." Rido says. "I could give you what you want. Anything at all."

You find Rido, or Rido finds you – you're not sure which. But you're lost without Shizuka-sama to guide you, and desperation has been eating at you ever since you saw Zero's red eyes, ever since your research into Level E's keeps turning up unfruitful.

"Even stopping Level D from becoming a Level E without the blood of its Master?"

Rido tilts his head to the side. The sly look really seems out of place in a child's face, mismatched eyes or not.

"I could _prolong_ it." Rido says. "Give you ample time. And it's all that matters, isn't it?"

Honest, the lot of them. To the point of brutality, with no way to soften the blow.

_Rido's a smart man._ Shizuka-sama used to say. _A really smart, really devious, man. But he has a tendency to fall victim to his own emotion at the most inopportune times, and it's going to be his downfall._

You've done enough digging to know that whatever Rido's doing with the Vampire Council, his whole attention is really directed to Kaname Kuran – for reasons you're not interested in knowing.

"I'll think about it." You tell him, feigning indifference, when all the voices in your head scream _yes._

From the satisfied smirk on the child's face, it's obvious he knows it too.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

"Zero's… taste in things was supposed to be good. But for him to think of _you_ as precious…" You trail off, voice low enough only to be heard by the Cross girl and the girl beside her.

She bristles in indignation, and generally makes a spectacle of herself – which is what you aim for in the first place.

You smile and smile and smile at the rest of the students, making an effort to be friendly. It's rather obvious from the chattering that Zero, despite being popular, is not the most social type. So of course they would jump at the chance of speaking to a guy with Zero's face.

_It's not you; it's never about you._

"Class president, please give me your guidance, as I know nothing about this school." You say as polite as possible, giving him an extra smile since you recognize him as the bespectacled kid you ran into the first time you stepped a foot in this school.

"We need to talk." Yuuki Cross says, in a determined tone of someone expected to be rejected but would keep on anyway.

You sigh.

And immediately tense, as you feel the dark aura of...something, both familiar and unfamiliar at once, getting closer. Despite all this overwhelming power, beneath it all, you could feel something pulls at you, tickling the back of your neck and tugging your memories.

_Zero._

* * *

"If you're here for revenge, why don't you hurry up and finish it."

Zero's expecting you to lash out at him, attack him, _do something_.

Three years ago, and you would've, you think.

But all you do now is deflect his inquiry in disinterested manner, and watch as he keeps getting tense. As you leave, you pat him on the shoulder, your hand linger longer than is necessary.

"Are you staying this time?" Zero suddenly asks, stopping you in your tracks. "For good?"

Don't turn around, you tell yourself. Don't. Don't give him the chance to see the look upon your face.

"Heh. Don't worry, I have no intention of crossing over to the light side."

"Ichiru—"

"Careful, Zero. Or I might start thinking you missed me." You leave without a backward glance.

Zero doesn't follow you.

* * *

Zero goes to you, that night. Just stands in front of the closed door of your dorm room for hours; standing, and doing nothing else. Not even knocking.

You wonder if he's waiting. For you to invite him in. For you to yell at him and force him to go. For you to—

For you.

But he does _nothing_, a dark shadow under your door, and you're really fucking tired of always being the one with the initiative. Four years is a long time; long enough for a change, and even if you could still tell where he is without looking, you _don't know him._ You don't know him enough now to read him, despite the fact that everything he feels still bleeds onto his face.

It's Zero's turn, you think. It's his turn, because you've used all the cards up your sleeves and you're out of trick and now you really are at his mercy. It's Zero's turn – it's Zero's turn to risk everything and _take the first goddamn step_.

But he never does, and you wonder why you bother waiting at all.

* * *

"It was you." Kaname says. "It was you, whom I saw that day. Not Zero."

You tap your knuckle against the railings once, forcing your fingers to relax, forcing them to stop making half-moon marks all over your palms, but you're still too tense for that.

No matter how long you've been exposed to Shizuka-sama, you still can't bring yourself to drop your guard around a pureblood. It's even worse when said pureblood is the one you know full well _killed_ your mistress.

"If you'd care to elaborate, Kuran-_sama_?"

"That day in the garden. Three years ago. I thought Zero smelled different, but when I saw him later that night, he smelled just as usual." He tilts his head. "You reeked of _her_, then. Just like you *still* do, now—months after she died."

You give him a smile. "I won't even tell you how disturbing it is that you actually know how Zero and I *usually* smell, Kuran-_sama_."

"Tell me," Kaname says, "Is it genetics? The way both you and Zero manage to make honorifics like _'sama'_ or _'senpai'_ to sound like the dirtiest insult ever invented?"

"Only when it's attached to your name, _Kuran-sama._" You tell him sweetly. And then turn around and leave without a backward glance.

* * *

"Ichirun, won't you come live in the main house with us?" Headmaster Kaien says. Complete with fake tears and kicked-puppy expression.

The man is really a hopeless dramatic.

"It's _Ichiru_." You tell him, barely managing from shouting at him. The man has a way of getting under your skin. "And no, I won't. Is that all?"

"But think about it! It could be fun! Me and Yuuki and Zerorin and Ichirun—"

"It's _Zero_ and _Ichiru_. Stop butchering our names." You glare at him. "You should feel ashamed for using the school PA system only to call me to your office for such personal matter. If that's all, I'd like to go back to class." You turn around without waiting for a dismissal.

"_He_ missed you, you know."

You stop, your hand still on the door handle. Kaien's voice is low, quiet enough that you know he means it. You swallow a sudden lump in your throat.

"You always say the nicest thing." You give him a smile that never reaches your eyes. "Good day, Headmaster."

You don't slam the door, but it's a close thing.

* * *

"There's a way, you know." Rido says. "From preventing your twin to fall into Level E."

"Oh?" You look at him. The body he's wearing is no longer that of a child's, but that sly smile still looks out of place in that pretty face, the muscles pulled taut and strained, like it's not used to such a simple job as smiling.

It's more because of the body itself than Rido, you think. Shiki, you remember the host's name. These noble vampires and their penchant for appearing expressionless.

"Oh yes." Rido's smile gets wider. "I believe Shizuka told you the shameful secret of the origin of the vampire hunters' powers, yes?"

Hesitantly, you nod.

Rido's eyes spark. "But obviously, she has been holding back on the juicy bits, or you wouldn't be here at all."

You stare at him.

He sighs. And then rises to his feet and stalks closer to you. Crowds you onto the wall behind you. Rests his palm against your cheek. Lets his nails dig into your skin. And then _pulls_ down – leaving lines of bloodied smears from under your left eye to your jaw.

You barely stop yourself from flinching at the pain.

"You were born _wrong._" Rido says gleefully, his other hand finds its way to your unmarred cheek. "We pureblood could always sense such thing, you know. An anomaly. Something that shouldn't happen, but already did. The Hunters' Association hid your parents so we couldn't kill them to prevent you from being born. As a countermeasure, I revived Kaname." He makes a face. "Which proved to be a mistake when he tried to off me five years later, but I stand corrected."

He smiles at you. The same beautiful, genuine smile Shizuka-sama always gave you when something terrible was about to happen.

You feel your hair stand on end, and it has nothing to do with the cold.

"One can't become a vampire hunter; one has to be _born_ to it." Rido's voice is soft, gentle, nearly melodic, like he's only humming to himself instead of speaking to you. "No twins are supposed to be born to a hunters' family, because they'd be _wrong._"

"What," you force your jaw to work, "do you mean, 'wrong'?"

He's grinning at you. "They're going to desire _blood_. Well, not in the way a vampire desires blood, of course. But once a twin absorbs the other twin's power, he'd have the power to kill a pureblood." He raises an eyebrow when he notices the expression on your face. "Oh yes, don't you know? Only pureblood vampires _know _how to kill other pureblood vampires. A simple stake to the heart wouldn't do a thing to us. Other than slowing us down, that is."

He traces the wound on your left cheek with his fingertips. You try your best not to flinch.

"Shizuka might have been mad, but she still had enough sense to _mark_ your brother." He smiles at you, all tender and soft and pitying and you want nothing more than to bolt and hide and prevent yourself from hearing whatever's gonna escape his mouth next.

But. _Zero_.

"By turning him into a Level D, even if your twin managed to devour you, he would be stabilized, yes, but he wouldn't have the power it takes to kill a pureblood." He licks your blood from his fingertips. "And in the end, it's all that matters. To us purebloods, at least."

He smiles at you, all sincere and beautiful and wrong, and you realize what it is he's been saying all along:

You were the weaker one. _You_ weren't supposed to be born. It was *you* all along, and not Zero. If you never made it alive, none of these things would ever happen to Zero.

You don't know what kind of face you're making right now, but whatever it is, it makes Rido chuckle in delight. "Clever kid. I could see why Shizuka liked you."

And then he proceeds to lick the bleeding wounds on your cheek, slow and meticulous, before following its path and licking his way into your mouth, sucking all the blood you've spilled from biting your tongue earlier.

* * *

And you think, _if only I was never born…_

* * *

The thing about you is…the thing about you is that you never _think_ before you act. For all that you're supposed to be the devious one, you're never as devious or clever as other people like to believe. You make one mistake after another, and never forget to burn all the bridges behind you. You do what you did because you _think_ you had to. But then again, you never really _think_ in the first place, do you?

You want Shizuka's death to be paid, so you stab Rido with the sword Shizuka-sama gave you. Of course he throws you aside like you're a fly, and manages to bleed you in the process. As you make your way to Zero's underground cell, all you could think about is how at least you've made your homage to her, now. All debt paid.

When you get to see him, Zero's halfway turning into level E, all red eyes and deformed claws instead of nails, and you think, hey, at least you're not too late for this.

"Ichiru?" Zero says, like he's seeing a ghost.

With the way you've been living your life ever since you killed your parents, you might as well be one.

"Zero."

Then you pick his gun and _shoot._

* * *

"Take it." You tell him, closing your eyes from the pain, your hand grasping the fabric of his shirt desperately. "The last of my life… please take it." _You've got to._

But all he does is wrap his arms around you, holding you close like he used to when you both were just little kids, and just _hold on._

"I don't want to lose you." He says, voice breaking, holding you even closer, and you're not sure you're not hallucinating this. "I don't want to lose anything else."

It hurts; you're still bleeding profusely, and it hurts so much. That means you're not dreaming this, right? This pain… you shouldn't be feeling it if this is just a dream, right..?

"I'm happy." So happy that it feels like your heart might burst. "I'm happy, that at least I wasn't a dead existence to you."

You feel free, you think. At least your existence hasn't been entirely useless. That at least you still mean something to the one person you cherish more than anything.

Too little, too late. And yet still too much.

The story of your life.

You don't regret this, you think, as you feel your life slipping through your fingers, as you feel your brother holding you close and closer, his breath tickling your nape.

Even given a chance to repeat it, you know you're still going to make the same choices all over again, so that you could be here, at this moment, in your brother's arms.

"I'm happy." And you mean it, you think.

.

.

.

* * *

End


End file.
